1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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