he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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