so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
