the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
