If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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