right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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