wanna go halves on a baby?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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