maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
