I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
