Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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