Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
