And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
