I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
