I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
