Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
