3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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