tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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