i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
