took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
