I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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