first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
