ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh god it's open bar.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
