she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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