he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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