Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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