Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
