I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
