You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Small penises have feelings too.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
