i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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