Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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