Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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