I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
