Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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