New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
