I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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