dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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