I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We are all done wearing pants today
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
