Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
