a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
