I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
