If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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