I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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