Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
