I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After tacos, we're chasing women.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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