I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
