I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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