He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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