I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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