I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
