How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
