i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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