the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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