Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
