Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
