This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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