I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
