Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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