This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
